So I feel a constant sense of guilt over not wanting to try to better our marriage and I cannot imagine a future with him. Comment : how can we when it’s taken from us our soul and mind? Part of our preparation is to wrestle through whether or not we believe God’s word allows separation and, if so, when. Proverbs warns, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). Resouces available throughour Annual Membership, Author: Leslie Vernick Category: Uncategorized. Biblical love for an enemy provides what enemies require most, including accountability and justice. Is it best for me and my children to leave or to stay? I have done so for over 20 years. I don’t even go to a Christian counselor because I went to one once and she was off of her rocker. It is a deep, deep comfort to hear someone declare God is for me. If the abuse is criminal, to include physical and sexual, the Bible is clear: obey civil authorities (Romans 13:1-2). Trauma is a certain kind of suffering — the kind that overwhelms one’s ability to cope. As victims of abuse, it is easy to become entangled in a hopeless quest of trying to fix an abuser, help him, and cure him–but we could as easily raise the dead! If we still need a slogan, it would be better to say, ‘God hates treacherous divorce, but he does not hate disciplinary divorce’.”  In other words her extensive research shows that there are biblical grounds for divorce and one of them is abuse. The famous passage about love in 1 Corinthians 13 makes it obvious that emotional abuse is wrong. . The church world hides it’s head In the sand on these issues. Abuse disregards others and is the opposite of this command. Child abuse is not only physical violence, but it can be emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and child neglect as well. It takes two to build a marriage – and you are only one person. How Does The Bible Define Physical Abuse? The Bible doesn’t use the label “emotional abuse,” but it does prohibit it. Or is it the enemy? He knows what emotional abuse does to your body, mind, and spirit, and He sees the seriousness of what you’re going through. Nowhere does this include abuse. But the Bible is clear that God opposes those who oppress, marginalize and abuse others. Of course, most of them haven’t even studied the subject. My upcoming book will perhaps help you see a way out. Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. The Bible doesn’t use the label “emotional abuse,” but it does prohibit it. The primary difference is that physical injuries usually heal. This clear thinking is the balm of Gilead!!!! How long with the men inside the church and leading the church continue to empathize with the abuser or just do absolutely nothing at all? God will not be mocked. If God hates abuse, why are they not supporting the victim in helping her acquire legal protection and excommunicating her abuser? “ A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both. We cannot save ourselves by our own good works, and we will never be wise or righteous enough to save our abusers. And God sees us, His precious ones, when we suffer. It is He who is calling us to see our condition, even when our hearts are aching with desire that what is true might not be true. Verbal abuse comes from those who lie “Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with malice. What does the Bible say about Abuse and Domestic abuse? “A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.” (Proverbs 27:3), “A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” (Proverbs 18:14). Unlike those who refuse to believe you or understand what it is like to live in an abusive environment every day, Jesus understands perfectly and takes what is happening to you seriously. He sees true suffering wherever it is, and when He sees it in us, He views it with compassion. In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that our brain processes physical pain and intense social rejection in exactly the same way. Yet none of you keeps the law. First, we are not to curse people who have been created in the image of God ( James 3:9 ). In fact, there is no record in the Bible of child abuse. RUN YOUR RACE AND RUN IT WELL FRO THE GLORY OF GOD.! Our pain and distress in abuse also causes us to work with God as He cleanses families, churches, and communities from evil and creates places of real peace and safety for us. An abuser desires to satisfy his natural selfishness regardless of the consequences to himself or others. He is a God firmly rooted in reality – and He wants to walk with you and help you make choices for yourself based on your reality. It is He who gives us the courage to say, “Thy will be done” in the unexpected and unwanted, when we must flee from indignity and cruelty, when we must undertake an honest and biblical mission where we can find our liberty and safe place to stand firm before Him. Abuse can take a number of forms—physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, etc. So what does the Bible say about such abuse? I want to forgive him,” she said. What does the Bible reveal about verbal abuse? They can't go without, without complaining. After enduring a relationship filled with physical and emotional abuse, she was beginning to consider ending the relationship. The Bible is completely clear that any form of abuse is unacceptable. He knows that PTSD is more painful and harder to treat than some bruises or a broken nose. But they won’t do a thing about abuse even though God clearly hates it just as much. When someone is stabbed with a sword or knife, it leads to grave and often fatal injuries. What kind of a god requires the suffering of women and children in order to be glorified? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAb9vBzaV9Q, Why We Must Never Forget Even When We Do Forgive. Lastly, when is the line crossed? I am currently going through what feels like a LOOOOONG process of healing. What is his greatest need right now and how can I meet it? Mailing | P.O. I have PTSD from what I have been through. A key word in Scripture to describe that commitment is ‘faithfulness,’ acted out in a context of abiding friendship…To appreciate the many OT laws on marriage and divorce, one must understand that marriage itself was a covenant relationship. See the related verses below. It’s like a super-charged therapy session! In an ideal world, we wouldn't ever have to deal with people who hurt us, but unfortunately, we live in a fallen world full of fallen people (including us! Emotional abuse is the unseen fallout of all other forms of abuse: physical, mental, verbal, sexual, and even spiritual abuse. Who is seeking to kill you?’” (John 7:19-20). He isn’t a God of confusion or lies or magical thinking. I have my highlighting pens ready!!! I am trapped. Check out Little Red Survivor. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I can’t tell you how encouraging this is to me!!! He stands with us, and He walks with us while persecution takes its secret, underhanded forms in the most hidden places of our homes. Every person’s story is unique. Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage as well as the first chapter of the brand new companion workbook. An abusive person does not know love and does not know God. . God sees as the abuser willfully defies God as Lawgiver, seeking to become a Law unto himself. I love him. I agree with everything you say. I believe that the divorce happens when the abuser breaks the marriage and the rest is just logistics. Each person who has been grievously sinned against will need to wrestle with the impact that the abuse is having on his or her body, soul and spirit as well as on their children. Ask yourself where the guilt is coming from. Baal, maybe. We are primed to be abused. It becomes a level of abuse that makes what went on in the marriage seem like it was easy, even when it was torture as well. As biblical counselors, we must be prepared to wisely counsel those who are in destructive marriages. His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.” (Psalm 55:20-21). Especially when it is endorsed by the church. Second, emotional abuse violates the two greatest commandments: love God and love others as yourself (Matthew 22:35-40). “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6). But not Jehovah God. Therefore as biblical counselors, we need to help counselee’s pray and ask God two crucial questions: 1. First, we are not to curse people who have been created in the image of God (James 3:9). Let’s equip our clients to choose God, not suffering, and we can be confident that he will instruct them and counsel them in the way they should go. Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship‚ How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2002, pp. That’s the very reason we have the power to call it quits. Whatever choice our counselee makes, whether she stays, whether she separates, or whether she divorces, we must help her be prepared for more suffering and grief ahead. It’s in the Bible, 1 John 4:7, 8, NKJV. God is a healer but the abuse takes a big toll on my personhood and it’s still years after I left. I have wanted to give up for so long and think of death as a release or somewhere to get some peace . God sees that his sacred commitment to love, to honor, and protect us are being violated. Sorted by most helpful votes from the Topical Bible. When an abuser attacks the believing child of the living God, he seeks to divide us from our Savior, to cause us (as Job’s wife said) to curse God, give up hope, and die. According to OT scholar J. Barton Payne, marriage is a parity covenant. The Bible does not directly name emotional abuse, but it certainly provides us with a wealth of examples of God’s view concerning it: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. People who haven’t experienced emotional abuse will ignorantly claim that real abuse is being beaten, and you have to beaten a lot for it to be serious enough to justify legal protection through divorce. Every effort we make to tell the truth, pray the truth, live the truth, and put our hope and trust in our Creator, advances His Kingdom a little bit further on this earth. I will also send you a free PDF copy of the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? But any form of abuse is opposed to the ruling principle of God’s kingdom—unselfish love. With abuse, it is often many years that we spend trying to support the dysfunction, hoping that we can make it better or at least make it tolerable. He sees that our souls ache from pain. I promise you it isn’t God. But you need to know that God doesn’t see it that way. First of all, it is NOT okay for one spouse to commit violence against the other. God has declared that our central purpose is to be His, to be faithful to Him, and to worship Him. And every single one firmly believes his particular opinion about abuse is the absolute truth, and anyone who disagrees, especially an abuse survivor, is wrong and deserves to be shunned. Really it has only been 1-1/2 years since my narcissistic abuser “husband” left our marriage. He knows that evil gives very little advance warning, but He taught us to identify the one who is deceitful, destructive, malicious, and malevolent, and He taught us to protect ourselves and others from harm and danger. Thank you for speaking the truth. Those who believe otherwise are delusional, or they need more information than they’ve had up until now. So in summary on this issue of emotional abuse – if we say things simply to hurt someone that is sinful. “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18), “My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant. Malicious custody battles are launched and the narcissistic sociopathic abuser will go after destroying your kids as a means to destroy you. It is He who is opening our eyes and calling us to reflect His image by speaking and living in the truth. However, I would advise women to be very wise, discerning and deliberate about how to navigate the divorce process. The apostle Paul describes the actions of real love. But the tears have flowed as I have read this to understand that He does not agree with what my husband is doing to me. I am so confused by this and am shocked by it. Does it even address it? The Bible regards abuse as sin because we are called to love one another (John 13:34). Second, emotional abuse violates the two greatest commandments: love God and love others as yourself ( Matthew 22:35-40 ). I go to a secular counselor who at least validates me and has compassion. Abusive men and churches justify the wicked and condemn the righteous when they support abusers and condemn victims. Your own inner critic? I see nownthatba lot of people are phony. Your email address will not be published. It was confusing because the character of God isn’t that of a cruel, heartless punisher.”, “One hard question I really struggle with is how do I really believe God loves me? Religious people will say it’s no big deal. We must come to Him as our good father who always has another chapter for our stories and who gives us the courage and strength to close and bar the door against evil. The voices of others? This is an abomination to God. The old Gnostics did not see us as fallen, body and soul. Human beings do that all on their own. When we take a stand against abuse, whether it is abuse in our own life or in the lives of others, we are working on His behalf and for His glory. Ephesians 6:4 - And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture … Biblical love avoids vengeance, seeks justice, and trusts God with every outcome, whether we are taking flight or appealing to courts for justice. And, you are right. Barbara Robert’s writes in her book Not Under Bondage, “God did not say “I hate divorce”, nor did he condemn all divorce. Physical abuse would be clear, but emotional abuse isn’t.”, Yet, God’s word clearly has much to say in support of victims of verbal and emotional cruelty. I define verbal abuse as the systematic, ongoing use of harmful words or sharp tones in an attempt to control another person.Emotional abuse is the unseen fallout of all forms of abuse – physical, mental, verbal, sexual and even spiritual abuse – striking at the very core of who we are.. They told me God had called me to suffer, and it was my job to suffer well. Learn how your comment data is processed. What does the Bible say about dealing with toxic / abusive people / relationships? This is perhaps the most devastating result of covert abuse. You live with a marriage wrecker – so you are right to feel hopeless as far as fixing your marriage. Thank you for writing this. KING JAMES VERSION (KJV) What does the Bible say about Emotional Abuse? But there are marriages that are more than disappointing or difficult, they are damaging and destructive. You are truly helpful in my life. Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear. Here’s an idea: as long as we are getting radical about the things God hates, why not get radical about dealing with abuse? Is it best for my unrepentant and/or foolish spouse for me to leave or to stay? There are other resources for narcissistic abuse perpetuated by parents of both sexes. One woman recently wrote me and said, “My pastor said emotional abuse is too fuzzy to allow for separation. One of my favorite blogs. The goal of biblical parenthood is to raise children to love and follow God (Deuteronomy 6:2) and to meet their individual potential (Proverbs 22:6). We see the effects of this on a global scale. How long with this type of abuse be PROTECTED by the church? First, he says love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). Flying Free is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. GOD HAS GIVEN ME THE COURAGE TO MOVE FORWARD AND REBUILD MY LIFE. Knowing that these stumbling blocks and stepping stones are ahead of her will keep her eyes open so that she can be more vigilant over her heart and mind. A wound that buries itself deep in our consciousness. We can not serve God in that fragile state. Your email address will not be published. An abuse victim’s pastor and Christian friends not only minimize what she is going through (as if they know), but they also callously lecture her about how God wants her to glorify Him through her suffering. That brings great joy and glory to God. GOD BLESS YOU ALL. It’s the disrespect to our children that I can’t make peace with. Who is sinning: the person who abuses, or the victim who wants to be free? Interestingly enough, Christians love to say “God hates divorce,” and they will forbid an abuse victim from getting legal protection from her abuser and even excommunicate her if she doesn’t obey them. I do not say this to discourage women leaving, nor am I against divorce. This article is a small section taken from my book, Is It Me? Her choice will bring opportunities for growth as well as temptations to sin. Whatever his weapons, an abuser attacks the image of God and wars against the creator. The solemn promises exchanged by a man and a woman became their covenant obligations. . Scripture is often used to keep women silent about their experiences as domestic abuse victims, to urge them to stay with an abusive partner, and even to justify abuse. The spiritual and emotional impact of verbal abuse has led many of us down dark paths of pain and regret. Your words are profound. Yet with deeply wounded people, feelings can be the driving force behind their choices. How many emotionally abusive fathers create a chaotic, confusing, hypocritical environment for their children to grow up in, causing those children to want nothing to do with their father’s God. Thank you for this resource. Consider joining my Flying Free group. I have such a hard time reconciling God’s love with putting so many of us women in these situations pretty much from day one. I would only say that the legal system offers no protections nor relief. But I have two young children still at home, no family to support me, no friends, no money. This blog is specifically for women of faith in destructive partner relationships. My sister is currently going through a divorce from a man who has been abusive to her & my nephew for a number of years. Thank you for your ministry and shining God’s light on this issue. Not possible. I just want to cry, except I don’t seem to have the ability any more. “…the companion of fools will suffer harm.” (Proverbs 13:20), “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21), “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking!’” (Proverbs 26:18). Our awakening is often very gradual as God teaches us to see clearly and weans us from our initial expectation, that we made our wedding vows as the beginning of healthy love and biblical marriage. You may get no compassion or understanding from religious people, but your Creator and Savior sees and validates the horror of it. Rather Than Accepting Your “No,” a Manipulator Will Try to Wear You Down to Say, “Yes” One of the … Wow. 2. Their depravity knows no limits. Are there scriptures on abuse and domestic violence? The apostle Paul describes the actions of real love. Even then, they encourage the victim to forgive and suffer. In fact, the courts enable and empower the abuser. It’s fascinating and tragic. How to Know if Your Marriage Crosses the Line From Normal to Abusive, Why Emotional and Spiritual Abuse Cause C-PTSD, Seven Steps to Getting Out of Your Emotionally Abusive Marriage So You Can Find Hope and Healing. (Leviticus 5:1). In that case, the victim needs to hang on to 1 Corinthians 10:13, which promises that God will provide a way through every situation that will not require sin, and James 1:5, which says God will always give wisdom to those who ask. In the NIV Zondervan Study Bible, Rikk Watts says: “The Scriptures assume divorce’s reality (Deuteronomy 24:1-4), and all Jews accepted that it was legal; they debated only its grounds. He sees that emotional abuse and psychological torture do measurable harm to our brains and endocrine systems. He is not a sadistic, pagan god, and I believe what will glorify Him most is to expose misogynistic lies and teach the truth about abuse. Some will say there’s no biblical basis for divorce. That’s what God hated in Malachi, husbands breaking their covenant agreement for trivial reasons.[3]. Sometimes staying at all costs is too high a price to pay. Search popularity is shown in blue using the scale below. So I just cope day to day waiting for God to reveal a path that’s hopeful. Emotional abuse can take many forms, including verbal assaults, threats, and insults; and non-verbal rejection, neglect, and isolation—when these behaviors are recurring, they become a pattern of emotional abuse. God says emotional abuse is a heavy burden to bear up under. The Bible lays out how we are to treat those we love and its all about sacrificial love: a love that yearns for … I SO LOVE YOUR POSTINGS AND LOOK FORWARD TO THEM ALL THE TIME. I am nearly 50 years old, I have believed in God all of my life despite chlldhood abuse and terrible difficulties in my life, until about 5 years ago and to my shame I have been so angry with God, wondering where He was in my life and why He was allowing all that I am still living. I do wish this article had language concerning abusive wives and mothers also. And it’s certainly not something to even consider leaving your husband over. “Our lives here on earth depend on a mysterious union between our fallen souls and our fallen bodies. LOVE to you!! Does Love Cover a Multitude of Sins? Here’s just a taste of the kind of emotional abuse Jesus endured on our behalf, and I hope this helps you realize how much compassion Jesus has for you: “The Jews answered him, ‘Are we not right in saying that you are a Samaritan and have a demon?’” (John 8:48), “But some of them said, ‘He casts out demons by Beelzebul, the prince of demons,’” (Luke 11:15), “The Pharisees, who were lovers of money…ridiculed him.” (Luke 16:14), “As he went away from there, the scribes and the Pharisees began to press him hard and to provoke him to speak about many things, lying in wait for him, to catch him in something he might say.” (Luke 11:53-54), Jesus said “Has not Moses given you the law? still working towards my own freedom. I’m so tired !! I know many will disagree with me on this point. A tragedy too heavy for us. The Bible does not use the words emotional abuse, but there are plenty of characteristics of emotional abuse addressed in Scripture. Economic Abuse : Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one’s access to money, or forbidding one’s attendance at school or employment. (Psalm 32:8). As we help our counselee’s grow and pray and trust God, we trust she makes her decision because she believes it is God’s will and this decision is the most loving thing she can do for herself, her children and her spouse. Anything that can be done to stay far away from the cesspool known as family courts is critical. In almost all cases, the abuser harnesses litigation like their most blunt instrument of complete annihilation towards their former spouse, engaging in scorched earth tactics. The Bible says the impact of reckless words is like being stabbed and is just as injurious as physical abuse. The Bible says the impact of reckless words is like being stabbed and is just as injurious as physical abuse. This is excellent. All rights reserved. ” (Proverbs 27:3) “ A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? I have a lot of trust issues and anxiety. Thus a covenant relationship is not merely a mutual acquaintance but a commitment to responsibility and action. What Kind of Woman Does an Abusive Man Target? I’ve read a lot of books so I don’t feel crazy anymore but I definitely feel hopeless. Please ask your followers to pray for me for healing. You are so amazingly anointed on teaching this subject, and I eagerly look forward to the release of your book. Mutual obligations characterize that kind of relationship. Severe consequences could follow one breaking his covenant agreement. I feel like I was set up to fail, like I never even had a chance. Many people think that the Bible has very little to say about abuse, and yet there are countless bible verses which speak clearly and definitely on the subjects of domestic abuse and domestic violence. 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